Meninism and more over at Facibus Reviews

I have a new blog that discusses men in society and a wide range of other topics over at http://facibusreviews.com/blog/

Men and grieving

My father died recently, and I have not really been myself lately.

Today I found a wonderful article called Fathers Grieve Too. While it is written for fathers who are coping with the death of their children, it made a whole lot of sense to me - the grief expressed as anger, the coping through overwork, it was very familiar. It is worth reading if you are a man who is going through the grief process, you work with someone who is grieving, or you live with someone who is going through it.

Here is the article in full. If it helps you, great.

FATHERS GRIEVE, TOO

For fathers and families who have experienced the death of a child. When your child dies, you grieve. It’s as if you have no choice ... you grieve. The choice is HOW you grieve and what you do with your grief.

“I was raised not to cry and I really believed I would go all through my life without crying. Then when Rob died I cried. I didn’t use any tears. It was like I was sobbing inside with nothing coming out of my eyes.”

Most of the time, dads are neglected grievers. While we know a lot about grief now, people still aren’t sure how to respond to man’s feelings. It’s safer to ask how your wife is doing than to ask how you feel. And as a man, you have a lot of thoughts and feelings now.

You may feel:

• Anger
• Depressed
• Lonely
• Hopeless
• Disappointed
• Hurt
• Sad
• Afraid
• Out of Control
• Confused
• Empty
• Guilty
• Helpless
• Like a failure
• Frustrated

You may have times of real panic and worry about your family. You may have lost the confidence of being the daddy who makes things right. And you may spend a lot of time asking yourself, “Why?”

This can be one of the toughest times in your life, and it’s important to acknowledge this tragedy.

Every man is touched by tragedy at some time. You may find you need to be strong and take control. You may feel like you’re taking care of everyone else, making all the arrangements and doing all the work. This can be especially true as you make funeral arrangements and greet family and friends. After the funeral, though, people are likely to expect you to act as if nothing happened. One grief counsellor said, “In our society we’re allowed three days of grief ... just through the memorial service.” Actually, you never really “get over” your grief .. you make it part of your life along with your memories of your child. As you begin trying to get back to normal you may find your feelings popping up when you least expect them. Along with some of the feelings we mentioned earlier -

• You may feel like you’re going through the motions of living.
• You may feel distant from people.
• And you may find yourself unusually angry.

Being Angry

Men and women grieve differently. Women have more permission to cry and talk. Men have more permission to be angry.

“I’m not the old man I used to be. I don’t know ... I’m impatient. I yell at the kids and when my wife talks about Carrie I blow up and usually walk out. I think if I didn’t yell I’d explode. Then I get mad at myself because they’re not to blame for anything.”

It’s OK to be angry when your child dies. It’s unfair, unjust and an angry situation. The biggest problem with anger is where to direct it. A lot of times dads do get angry at their wives and kids .. just because they’re around. When you think you’re being angry for a long time or more often than you want to take a look at how you’re sharing your anger. Talking to another dad whose child has died, visiting with your pastor, nurse, social worker or just a friend who can see things clearly can be helpful.

Talking

One of the things that can help your hurt is talking about your child. You have strong, cherished memories. You have memories of fun and good times and the actual experience of the death. When you don’t talk about your child or your experiences and feelings your family may think you’re cold and don’t care. You may seem distant from each other and out of touch.

If you have trouble talking, you may want to do just a little each day with your wife or friends or both. Remember:

Talking may lighten your pain, clear your anger and affirm your feelings.

Working

This may be a time when you want to be careful about your work. You may find yourself using your job as a way to cover up your feelings. You may work until you become overly tired .. hoping it will help you sleep. You may work to try to forget your grief when what you may need is someone to listen to you and show they care. Work can be a distraction and it can be a relief, but it is seldom a total solution to sadness. It can also be very frustrating.

“I was actually eager to go back to work because I work in a hospital and I knew how caring people were there. On my first day back I sat in my office and waited for people to come in, talk and offer support. Then I finally walked into the hall to find somebody ... ANYBODY. I actually saw people turn down hallways to avoid having to face me.”

You may find yourself:

• Staring into space when you should be working.
• Making more mistakes than usual.
• Getting fed up when people ask about your wife.
• Not getting the support and care you need. Some of the support and care can come through your marriage.

Your Marriage

A lot of people think a child’s death makes couples closer. Actually the opposite can be true. You may both be so wiped out with your grief that you can’t lean on each other. You may be scared about what’s happening to each other and to your relationship. If that happens, remember:

It’s important to keep on courting ... even now. Talk about how you met. Remember how you fell in love.

Share what you like about each other. Go out on a date, even if it’s a short walk.

Touch and hold each other.

Realise you each grieve differently - respect each other’s way of grieving.

Accept your first sexual sharing after the death as a warm, gentle caring that brings you close, affirms your tears and quiet your sadness.

See if your area has a group of parents who have experienced the death of a child. If so, go to at least one meeting. Just hearing other fathers talk can make a big difference in how you see your grief, your marriage, your work and yourself. If you’re a single father, a group may be especially valuable to you.

Crying

After years of saying, “Big boys don’t cry,” we’ve finally learned that real men do. One of the great pictures of the 1970’s was of Rosie Greer, the huge hulk of a football player and bodyguard of Robert Kennedy. Rosie is sitting on a bench, crying. Men like Rosie told us it was OK to show our feelings and OK to cry.

“I am exceedingly embarrassed when I cry. Intellectually I know it’s OK and it may help me, but I feel shame when I cry. Then why do I cry at all?

I CAN’T HELP IT. My grief becomes too intense and powerful to hold it in. I feel I would burst like a balloon if I didn’t let the air out. Even then, I can only allow myself to let it out a little at a time. I am so full of this grief that I find it hard to believe the balloon will ever be empty.

Also, when I cry I feel like a child. The barriers are down. It is then I need to be touched, hugged, held. When emotion runs so deep words aren’t enough, there is a better way to communicate. To those trying to console, I say, ‘Stop searching for words, ‘Put your arms around me. Don’t be afraid. Remember, I’m no stranger to fear. I faced the ultimate fear of a father who is helpless to protect his child.

Listening to me with total awareness is a first step. You are opening the door for me to grieve. The second step is to walk through that door with me, helping hold me up with your touch, your arms about me, my shoulders, your hands in mine. If you can do that without discomfort you may be able to help me and help yourself as well.”

No two men are the same. No two people grieve the same. You may experience some or all of the feelings we’ve mentioned plus others. Its important that you find your own way of grieving and the caring people who can walk with you through it. In this way the death of your child will become an significant part of your living.

Written by Centering Corporation with Rev. Terry Morgan, Chaplain James Cunningham, Dr. Ray Goldstein and Earl Katz.

CRADLE NT INC.

PHONE: 0438 272 353

Meninism

I just saw a segment on TV (Weekend Sunrise) on what they referred to as meninism - the movement against negative perceptions of men in the media. The speakers drew parallels to the demonisation of Muslims in the media - they did not dispute that there are Muslim terrorists, but they did dispute that this inferred that all Muslims are terrorists.

I guess that some will disagree, but I believe that there is something to this. That negative perceptions of men in the media will lead to boys growing up with expectations that they will behave badly, and that some will behave badly as a result.

I know that this is not something that the media invented. If it is wrong to blame all Muslim people for the actions of a few, is it not also wrong to blame all men for the actions of some ratbags? That there are ratbag men cannot be disputed.

It is a bit like the deed vs breed debate that the Pit Bull Terrier people and others are having with the RSPCA here in Australia at the moment. The dog owners say "if the dog does something wrong, then act" whereas the RSPCA seems to be saying "if it is a pit bull, kill it before it can do something wrong". As a man I am not sure that I can and should be responsible for the sins of all men. I should be responsible for my own actions.

I have not raped, nor killed innocent road users drinking and driving, nor contributed to the misery of the people of Iraq. All of these things are very wrong, but not my fault.